WEBVTT

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\"The modern mother is just a mask
behind which other mothers hide

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whom have been denied
the recognition of the bond\".

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\"Other Mothers\" - Paul B. Preciado.

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After being outside Chile for twenty years

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at my grandparent\'s house

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I found these old childhood tapes.

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I realized they\'re letters for the future

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to keep a record

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to keep evidence of our family life.

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My memories are all almost sketches

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more like sensations

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and that\'s why I ask myself
if something that imprecise

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would be the only thing
that would\'ve been left from you.

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A sad and warm lightning strike

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that would appear
intermittently in my memory.

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If you\'re hungry, take this money...

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If you\'re hungry, dad, have this money.

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If you\'re hungry, buy something
because I have money. Take it.

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What money?
Where did you get it?

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From the car.

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Hi Montse.

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Aren\'t you sleepy?

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Are you?

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Gabriela...

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She is sleepy too.

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This is the entrance to our house.

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It\'s possible that we\'ll leave it someday.

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We\'ll keep it as a memory.

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There\'s my hubby. He\'s just taken a nap.

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The cheeky one is rested.

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Yes, because I needed it.

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You needed it...

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Right?

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And now mom\'s going to rest
and dad\'s going to stay with the girls.

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Montse!

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Come here.

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I\'m filming her little foot.

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With this recording I start imagining

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that this feeding bottle that mom\'s giving me

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was prepared by you.

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And, somehow, you\'re also giving it to me.

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The first issue that I had with her,
if we can call it an issue

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I mean, the first time that she...

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confronted me was because I told her
she shouldn\'t eat so much bread

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and that she should eat better,
so she took it the wrong way.

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But mom, if you said that to me
I would get angry, too.

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Well, she was just eating bread everyday

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At lunchtime, for breakfast...

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I did what a mother would do.

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I told her it wasn\'t good for her.

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But hey, Zoila wasn\'t your daughter.

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Also, I\'m your daughter...

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I\'m an adult and I don\'t like it
when you say those kind of things to me.

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Well, I\'m just telling you
about a situation that happened. Period.

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Now you can judge me, but
at that moment I was trying to help her, and...

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I know she was very reserved and...

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Sometimes, she\'d cry and I wouldn\'t know why...

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Or sometimes when people would come
to our house she\'d get really upset.

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Zoila was like that. Zoila had...

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...has good things
and some other bad things.

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For example she
doesn\'t know how to open up.

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and explain her problems

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and when she does so,
sometimes it\'s a little bit too late.

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I remember I was laying in bed
and I\'d hear how Zoila was playing

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with you and the other kids

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and I wasn\'t capable of
getting up and play with you too.

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Remembering that makes me really sad.

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It makes me really sad because there are parts
of your childhood that I missed out because of that.

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Is it filming?
Now that the red light is on it\'s filming.

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I remember things about Zoila, but...

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Don\'t you remember anything?

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Anything, like, to remember?

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Yes, anything, any situation.

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Honestly, the memories I have
of Zoila are of her in the kitchen.

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And sometimes, yes, you two were there
in the baby chair and she was feeding you.

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Those are the memories I have of Zoila.

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I don\'t have more memories.

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Zoila brutally waxing the floor...

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Those memories.

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Zoila cleaning, Zoila in the kitchen...

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Those memories...

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You wouldn\'t spend too much time at home, would you?
- No.

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When my dad\'s visit ended, I remembered a story.

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One that I\'ve been told a thousand times.

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Dad had gone out of the house very early

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and because of the drowziness and darkness



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he put on a brown shoe and a black one.

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So you had to rush out,
take the bus, and get to my dad\'s workplace

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before anyone could see him.

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Dad was young at that time.
He\'d been a little time in Chile.

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He arrived here accompanying my mom,
attracted by the verses she\'d recited

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during her twenty years of exhile.

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Now that I\'m alone
in Valparaíso with my grandparents

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I try to cease being a foreigner

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and I ask myself, for the first time:
Who are you to me?

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Who are we for this land?

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\'Zoila\'.

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It\'s written with \"Z\",
but I pronounce it with an \"S\" sound

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because I had a chilean accent
when I learned your name.

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The only word I never
pronounced differently when we left.

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This is our room.

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I don\'t know if it\'s going to last
that long... Probably not.

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Well, here I am, talking. Today\'s...

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What\'s the date today?
- August 26th.

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August 26th... 1999.

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And it\'s only...

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It\'s only...

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eleven days until I take the plane to Spain.
- Sure.

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My dad had lost his job
and they decided to go to Barcelona.

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You helped mom dismantle the house

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at the same time that our family was getting
dismantled too, just the way it was for me:

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With you.

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And we said... \"Farewell\".

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And although we didn\'t know how to read,
you\'d send us postcards, one each month.

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And we\'d respond to them with drawings.

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Hi Gabrielita. I hope you\'re good

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and I also hope you\'re doing well
in school with all your friends.

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Well, I\'m very good.

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Missing you and your sister a lot,
and hoping to see you soon.

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Bye, my little girl.

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Zoila.

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She stayed working with Yolanda

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and she\'d tell me Zoila
would cry for you girls everyday.

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You have to consider that she was
just a girl, she was 22 years old...

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She had just arrived from the south,
so she had a lot of insecurities and...

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things like that... I don\'t know.

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But she accepted to come with us anyway,
because she wanted to be with you girls.

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[In Catalan]
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...

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September, October, November, December.

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January, February,
March, April, May, June...

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and July.

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You decided to leave Chile 20 years ago

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and you\'ve already lived
almost half of your life in Barcelona.

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But it wasn\'t that long ago
that I started asking myself...

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What did you leave behind?

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I wanted to keep asking mom
about this big decision in your life

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but since her answers wouldn\'t be enough for me

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a short time later I took a plane to Barcelona.

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Call her later...
- Yes, it\'s just that we\'re arriving...

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We\'re going up to Zoila\'s house.

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Ok, later. Bye.

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Hey!
- Hey.

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There it is. I took it.

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But no, get here.
Come, come with me, just a little bit.

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Zoila, no, he\'s gonna run away.
- There, put him like this.

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You have to take it from here, Montse.

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No, because I look too ugly today.

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Oh, well, you always do.

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I remember that, sometimes, you used to
wear glasses although you didn\'t need them

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just to act like an intellectual.
- And now... It freaks me out.

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I found some pictures of...

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of you and Montse posing with glasses

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acting out as intellectuals.

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Where did you see them?

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I\'ll show you later.
They were in your photo album.

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And now you have to wear them for real.

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Look, it\'s the intellectual dog.

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My friends would question me
about leaving my parents alone

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and how I could go so far away from them

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and leave them alone...

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I never thought I was going to come here.

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Did my parents ask you if you wanted to leave?
- Yes, they did.

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I said I wanted to.

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But I had to ask my own parents for permission.

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And, when I finally talked to them,
they said that I should go without remorse.

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And also that they weren\'t alone,
that they had my siblings around.

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That day it started raining hard.

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That day it rained like never before.

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Right, I was wearing winter clothes

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and I had summer clothes
in my suitcase to change.

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But in the end I didn\'t.
I didn\'t think it would be necessary.

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And then I remember I got to the airport
and when I got off the car, Mrs. Yolanda said:

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\"Don\'t look back, look forward\".

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No, I didn\'t look back.
I never looked back, at any moment.

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\"You just look forward\", she said,
\"but don\'t you ever look back\".

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I always remember those words.

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And then I got there and said to
myself: \"But, what am I going to do?\"

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\"How am I going to get there?
I\'m going to get lost, I have to get to Madrid\".

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I was nervous.

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Mrs. Yolanda had told me:

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\"Look for someone who\'s also going to Barcelona

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and who\'s going to take the same trip
as you, and remain close to that person\".

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I remember Montse was sitting there
and you were sitting with your back to me.

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No, both of you were sitting.

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I don\'t know what you were doing.

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You were both sitting

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and when I started walking

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I don\'t know if your mom had talked to you
or we got there and then you stood up.

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I remember that you stood up
and ran towards me to hug me

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and you said:

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\"Now I\'m completely happy\".

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And you\'d touch me and not believe it.
You\'d look at me and touched me again.

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You were like...

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As if you were in a dream

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that you couldn\'t believe it.

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One weekend, I went to my mom\'s house
looking for more pictures and drawings.

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And she gave me other tapes

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some small, digital ones

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that were filmed in Barcelona.

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Clearly, they were very
different from the first ones.

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It smells like clementine.

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Look over there,
two brats fighting.

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And Zoila\'s

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just arrived with the birthday cake.

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I said birthday and
Gabriela got all excited.

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Let\'s see the cake.

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Happy birthday to you

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happy birthday to you.

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Happy birthday, Dear Zoila

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happy birthday to you.

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No, Zoila has to blow the candles.
- Both of us.

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No, Zoila has to blow them.

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Come on, Zoila.
- Bravo!

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:23.280
Happy birthday!
- Bravo! Happy birthday!

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This is the girls\' room.

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One, two beds.

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This is the window
that connects with the laundry

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and then this was Zoila\'s room.
The girls now use it

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to watch TV, read stories, play...

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Soon, I discovered that all the tapes

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were filmed when you
weren\'t working at home anymore.

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I remember when I knew you were leaving

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I asked you why.

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And you told me to ask mom.

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Well, when she got to Spain,
the fairest thing would\'ve been to pay her

00:25:29.560 --> 00:25:33.790
an adequate salary as a housekeeper

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but that meant that I had to
pay her all my own salary

00:25:37.070 --> 00:25:40.230
because, in Spain, a pharmacist

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who had just started working
in a pharmacy, would earn almost

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the same as a housekeeper.

00:25:51.840 --> 00:25:54.830
So, I told Zoila from the beginning:

00:25:54.830 --> 00:25:58.360
\"If you want to come,
I won\'t be able to pay you that money\".

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Unfortunately, the apartment was too small

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and Zoila would meddle
in your dad\'s life and mine

00:26:09.880 --> 00:26:12.020
so we had too many issues.

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That\'s why I\'m telling you
it was a difficult time.

00:26:15.880 --> 00:26:19.990
Zoila would always support me,
she would always defend me

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and I think that when Zoila left the house,
the fact that I could be in charge and decide

00:26:27.960 --> 00:26:33.380
what we\'d do or stop doing, did me well,
because I also have to think about myself.

00:26:34.220 --> 00:26:40.520
And the moment that Zoila left,
I felt like I was the one who ruled the house.

00:26:40.520 --> 00:26:44.390
I felt like in that moment I was able
to make my own decisions, that I was the owner-

00:26:44.390 --> 00:26:47.770
Not the owner, but that I was your actual mother.

00:26:52.800 --> 00:26:57.480
I remember my classmates
would always ask me who you were.

00:27:03.100 --> 00:27:07.920
At the beginning, I would explain
to them what a nanny was in Chile

00:27:07.920 --> 00:27:13.210
but when you left the house,
it became more difficult to define our bond.

00:27:16.730 --> 00:27:20.280
I think I didn\'t take it well in that moment.
- No...

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But then I did, because I had my things,
I started buying my own things.

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I\'d come see you, from time to time.

00:27:31.200 --> 00:27:35.860
We\'d go out on the weekends,
on weekdays, in the evenings.

00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:41.490
We used to watch a lot of movies...

00:27:41.520 --> 00:27:44.200
We used to watch Shin-chan...

00:27:45.840 --> 00:27:48.040
the Teletubbies...

00:28:40.010 --> 00:28:42.840
Sergi, come. They\'re taking us a picture.
- I have to move?

00:28:42.840 --> 00:28:45.190
Yes, they\'re taking us a picture.
- I\'m coming.

00:28:56.470 --> 00:28:58.240
Hi, mom and dad.

00:28:58.240 --> 00:29:00.760
I hope you\'re all well.

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Let me tell you that
I got the permanent residency.

00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:11.880
At this moment we\'re at the beach,
because it\'s summer here and it\'s very hot.

00:29:14.350 --> 00:29:17.910
The girls are very happy because I\'m here.

00:29:25.560 --> 00:29:30.770
This postcard shows the encounter
of the New World with the Old World.

00:29:30.800 --> 00:29:34.450
Columbus points where America is located.

00:29:36.400 --> 00:29:39.430
Now I say farewell.
Kisses for everyone.

00:29:41.570 --> 00:29:43.150
Zoila.

00:29:46.560 --> 00:29:51.160
In Barcelona you\'d
change hairstyles every season

00:29:51.200 --> 00:29:54.560
and buy a new CD every weekend

00:29:54.600 --> 00:29:57.790
with whom we danced barefoot all afternoon.

00:29:58.880 --> 00:30:01.680
No one ever asked you about your past

00:30:02.560 --> 00:30:03.900
not even us.

00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:09.520
It remained hidden inside
the thousands of your shoe boxes.

00:30:15.360 --> 00:30:18.700
And little by little
you stopped being the Zoila

00:30:19.400 --> 00:30:21.330
that they didn\'t film.

00:30:49.520 --> 00:30:51.260
Dinner time.

00:31:04.550 --> 00:31:05.980
Let\'s eat!

00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:11.400
Didn\'t you ever plan to come back to Chile?

00:31:14.360 --> 00:31:16.580
No, no... Honestly, no.

00:31:16.600 --> 00:31:20.340
Because I noticed that you needed me more

00:31:20.680 --> 00:31:24.100
and since you\'ve always
told me to never leave you

00:31:24.510 --> 00:31:26.040
as well as Montse.

00:31:26.040 --> 00:31:30.370
And sometimes, when you\'d misbehave, I\'d say:
\"I\'ll go back to Chile, you\'ll never see me again\".

00:31:30.370 --> 00:31:32.030
\"I\'m going to leave\".

00:31:32.030 --> 00:31:34.580
And, because of that, you\'d start crying.

00:31:35.960 --> 00:31:37.980
How mean, Zoila!

00:31:50.160 --> 00:31:54.280
Ow! Play a little while!
- No, ma\'am. That\'s enough.

00:32:03.100 --> 00:32:06.610
If there\'s anything that
hasn\'t changed with the years

00:32:06.640 --> 00:32:09.400
is the fear that you get mad at me.

00:32:13.370 --> 00:32:17.330
When it happens,
I become a child once again.

00:32:28.550 --> 00:32:32.010
And I\'ve always lived with the uncertainty

00:32:32.040 --> 00:32:35.040
of you leaving forever.

00:32:38.470 --> 00:32:40.020
Just like it happened...

00:32:41.070 --> 00:32:42.850
with your own family.

00:32:46.360 --> 00:32:51.180
Truth is that whenever I wanted
to visit them, there was always something.

00:32:52.120 --> 00:32:54.900
Something like... an obstacle.

00:32:56.550 --> 00:32:59.550
Like taking such a long trip all alone.

00:33:01.520 --> 00:33:04.040
That was my fear.

00:33:09.200 --> 00:33:14.970
A few years ago, all of your siblings
and nephews started adding you on Facebook.

00:33:19.240 --> 00:33:23.790
And by that time,
you started asking Montse and I

00:33:23.800 --> 00:33:26.660
if we\'d like to have a little brother.

00:33:31.800 --> 00:33:36.000
Truth is that I\'d never
imagined you as a mother.

00:33:38.760 --> 00:33:40.810
Or I\'d never wanted to.

00:33:53.760 --> 00:33:56.270
One day my mom called me.

00:33:56.720 --> 00:34:00.310
She told me you were going to be hospitalized.

00:34:01.600 --> 00:34:06.860
Your pregnancy got complicated
because of myomas in your uterus

00:34:06.860 --> 00:34:09.080
that had to be removed from you.

00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:20.010
You, the queen of integrity.

00:34:20.830 --> 00:34:24.780
My reference of solidity.

00:34:27.630 --> 00:34:30.520
I\'d never seen you so vulnerable.

00:34:40.880 --> 00:34:44.920
After that, you had to wait for some time

00:34:45.670 --> 00:34:48.560
until you tried having children again.

00:35:35.400 --> 00:35:38.770
Some months after coming back to Valparaíso

00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:41.810
once again at my grandparent\'s house

00:35:41.840 --> 00:35:44.940
I received a call from you one evening.

00:35:46.760 --> 00:35:52.810
I told you I was stuck in bed
because of painful menstrual cramps.

00:35:57.840 --> 00:36:01.640
When you told me that you
never got your period again

00:36:03.320 --> 00:36:06.720
the weight of time fell upon me

00:36:07.200 --> 00:36:08.680
like a stone.

00:36:13.840 --> 00:36:16.360
Because in some strange way

00:36:16.840 --> 00:36:19.580
I always felt like you were immune...

00:36:20.320 --> 00:36:22.130
to the passing of time.

00:36:34.400 --> 00:36:38.770
I told you that Montse
was going to visit me in a few months

00:36:38.800 --> 00:36:41.930
and that you could come with her.

00:36:43.960 --> 00:36:49.080
What I didn\'t expect was
that the answer would be yes.

00:37:05.960 --> 00:37:11.270
The first days in Chile,
we spent them together in Valparaíso.

00:37:12.760 --> 00:37:16.070
And then you were going to the south.

00:37:17.280 --> 00:37:22.120
It had been a long time
since we spent so much time together

00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:27.010
outside the four walls of your house.

00:37:31.920 --> 00:37:36.590
They were beautiful days,
I didn\'t want to separate from you.

00:37:40.960 --> 00:37:43.280
Luckily, you didn\'t either.

00:37:43.840 --> 00:37:47.990
And because of that, a couple
of mornings before your parting

00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:52.170
you asked us to go
with you to meet your family.

00:38:21.800 --> 00:38:27.960
Throughout that night trip,
I started asking you about Chol Chol.

00:38:33.880 --> 00:38:38.070
And the first thing that you
told us was about its river

00:38:39.680 --> 00:38:42.590
that has the same name as the town.

00:38:47.240 --> 00:38:50.830
You\'d tell us how your
mom would wash the clothes

00:38:50.840 --> 00:38:54.060
while you and your siblings took a bath.

00:38:55.130 --> 00:38:58.920
I imagined you all covered
in mud, from head to toe.

00:38:59.700 --> 00:39:03.600
[And was it there when your
siblings chased you with snakes?]
-But no

00:39:03.600 --> 00:39:08.520
it wasn\'t there when your
siblings chased you with a snake.

00:39:08.520 --> 00:39:12.600
[And where did that happen?]
That story happened in the countryside.

00:39:12.600 --> 00:39:14.730
[You mean there, where you were born?]

00:39:14.730 --> 00:39:16.350
[How old were you?]

00:39:16.370 --> 00:39:20.160
Before the house where
you were born got burned.

00:39:26.200 --> 00:39:30.720
And yes, just after you left to live in town

00:39:32.070 --> 00:39:35.710
to a house that the church gave to your dad.

00:39:37.360 --> 00:39:42.840
And no, you didn\'t know why he,
being a mapuche, became a pastor.

00:39:44.360 --> 00:39:49.250
And that you had a headache
and you were going to sleep for a little while.

00:39:53.280 --> 00:39:58.270
I didn\'t sleep a thing,
and I\'m sure you didn\'t either.

00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:16.270
She\'s changed her whole character.

00:40:18.640 --> 00:40:21.110
Hello, how are you?
- Good.

00:40:21.560 --> 00:40:23.060
I\'m good too.

00:40:24.240 --> 00:40:25.680
Hello.
- And this one?

00:40:25.680 --> 00:40:27.460
Her daughter.
- My daughter.

00:40:28.200 --> 00:40:29.790
Zoila\'s daughter.

00:40:30.760 --> 00:40:32.600
And her?
-Her too.

00:40:33.120 --> 00:40:34.620
Stepdaughter.

00:40:34.640 --> 00:40:36.230
The other daughter.

00:40:36.560 --> 00:40:38.210
The second daughter.

00:40:39.080 --> 00:40:40.590
My daughter.

00:40:41.280 --> 00:40:43.950
Blonde, the same as her mother.

00:41:10.800 --> 00:41:12.190
What are you drinking?

00:41:13.680 --> 00:41:15.550
He drank milk on the bus.

00:41:16.120 --> 00:41:17.310
Oh, he already did.

00:41:20.080 --> 00:41:24.110
He still has the cup you gave him.
That was a long time ago.

00:41:24.120 --> 00:41:26.670
Which one?
- He drinks from that one only.

00:41:26.680 --> 00:41:28.160
That cup.

00:41:29.640 --> 00:41:33.160
You left us like three cups, it seems.
- She left us three cups, it seems.

00:41:33.160 --> 00:41:35.280
And it\'s the only one he drinks from.

00:41:46.080 --> 00:41:50.110
The sun was rising and I got sick.

00:41:50.120 --> 00:41:53.040
No, she had contractions.
- He held me from here.

00:41:53.040 --> 00:41:55.920
The mapuche women would
be held from here when they

00:41:55.920 --> 00:41:58.830
were about to have their babies.

00:41:58.840 --> 00:42:02.920
They\'d look for him from anywhere

00:42:03.600 --> 00:42:06.560
to help women during their labor.

00:42:10.320 --> 00:42:12.780
He held me and she was born.

00:42:14.440 --> 00:42:16.560
That\'s how it happened.

00:42:18.740 --> 00:42:21.680
He cut my navel with a knife.

00:42:22.000 --> 00:42:23.960
The knife was all rusty.

00:42:26.480 --> 00:42:29.360
Not even with scissors, with a knife.

00:43:04.040 --> 00:43:05.590
I\'ve passed quickly.

00:44:25.200 --> 00:44:29.760
Your sister told me
that aunt Rosa is a Machi.

00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:31.400
Yes.

00:44:33.840 --> 00:44:36.040
What\'s a Machi, exactly?

00:44:37.560 --> 00:44:43.120
They can help you with
a sickness and it\'s all with plants.

00:44:48.600 --> 00:44:53.030
My father didn\'t like that
because he was an evangelical.

00:45:07.200 --> 00:45:12.440
Sure, he used to go to the countryside
to visit the people and all that.

00:45:12.440 --> 00:45:15.300
But he doesn\'t share the same views as them...

00:45:15.320 --> 00:45:17.050
He\'s never liked that.

00:45:17.400 --> 00:45:21.400
He doesn\'t like my mom to
spend too much time in there, either.

00:45:46.240 --> 00:45:47.940
\"Korü\".

00:45:49.440 --> 00:45:50.770
Food.

00:45:56.120 --> 00:45:58.680
Let\'s see... \"Trewa\".

00:45:59.240 --> 00:46:00.890
Dog.

00:46:02.240 --> 00:46:04.490
Zoila, \"Trewa\".
- Dog.

00:46:04.920 --> 00:46:07.800
But, did you hear it from him
or did you already know it?

00:46:07.800 --> 00:46:08.800
I knew it.

00:46:15.120 --> 00:46:16.480
\"Pin pin\".

00:46:17.080 --> 00:46:20.240
Here it says that \"pin pin\" is chick.

00:46:20.240 --> 00:46:23.360
But what else does it say?

00:46:23.360 --> 00:46:25.470
\"Pin pin\".
- It says chick.

00:46:26.000 --> 00:46:28.320
The translation of chick is \"pin pin\".

00:46:28.320 --> 00:46:29.990
Oh! \"Pin pin\".

00:46:31.640 --> 00:46:34.990
Like the chips of a chick.

00:46:35.280 --> 00:46:37.400
I don\'t know, it just says chick.

00:46:37.400 --> 00:46:39.760
And how do you say chick?
- \"Pil pil\".

00:46:41.300 --> 00:46:43.620
Like a badly dressed chick.

00:46:45.530 --> 00:46:47.870
That\'s called a \"pil pil\".
- Plucked.

00:46:47.870 --> 00:46:49.320
why badly dressed?

00:46:49.320 --> 00:46:51.800
Because its feathers come out like...

00:46:53.130 --> 00:46:55.640
Its neck is naked.
- The feathers...

00:46:55.640 --> 00:46:57.970
come out really weird.

00:47:01.080 --> 00:47:03.330
Let\'s see, don\'t you say it.

00:47:03.760 --> 00:47:05.100
\"Ñawe\".

00:47:05.920 --> 00:47:07.760
\"Ñawe\"?
- I don\'t know.

00:47:07.760 --> 00:47:09.800
You don\'t know.
- Daughter.

00:47:12.560 --> 00:47:13.820
My \"ñawe\".

00:47:15.360 --> 00:47:17.480
\"Fotüm\", son.

00:47:27.200 --> 00:47:29.130
What words do you know?

00:47:30.530 --> 00:47:34.550
How, which words do I know?
- Yes, which words have you remembered?

00:47:34.550 --> 00:47:36.110
None.

00:47:36.120 --> 00:47:38.750
You\'ve remembered some. Didn\'t you say...

00:47:38.750 --> 00:47:39.990
...water?

00:47:41.720 --> 00:47:44.850
The most basic ones: dog, water, bread.

00:47:45.600 --> 00:47:46.920
Flour.

00:47:47.160 --> 00:47:50.340
How do you say flour?
- \"Mürke\".

00:48:02.940 --> 00:48:05.640
Set the table now, Gabriela.
- I\'ll do it.

00:48:05.640 --> 00:48:08.200
If not, it\'s going to be late.
- I\'ll do it now.

00:48:23.080 --> 00:48:27.080
How do you think your life
would\'ve been if you\'d stayed here?

00:48:28.680 --> 00:48:31.770
I don\'t know, I\'ve never thought about it.

00:48:33.800 --> 00:48:36.000
Because my life\'s already set there.

00:48:41.920 --> 00:48:46.560
And hasn\'t coming back here made you
reconnect with your mapuche roots?

00:48:46.560 --> 00:48:49.430
Hasn\'t it made you,
like, recognize yourself?

00:48:51.000 --> 00:48:53.390
You always come up with that...

00:48:54.120 --> 00:48:57.660
It gets to a point where I get
tired of talking about all that.

00:48:58.600 --> 00:49:01.970
I can\'t tell you if I
recognize myself or not.

00:49:06.360 --> 00:49:08.720
Your siblings don\'t
mind talking about this.

00:49:08.720 --> 00:49:10.660
No, they don\'t, but I...

00:49:11.360 --> 00:49:14.580
always listening to it, over and over...
I just get tired of it.

00:49:14.600 --> 00:49:18.150
Well, I won\'t ask you again.
- It\'s not about that.

00:49:30.250 --> 00:49:32.880
You came back to your family

00:49:33.440 --> 00:49:36.770
and I stayed going around Chol Chol.

00:49:38.800 --> 00:49:40.890
Feeling left out.

00:49:48.280 --> 00:49:52.380
And truth is that, as much as I tried

00:49:52.400 --> 00:50:00.440
I couldn\'t stop wishing that you showed up
with a suitcase and three bus tickets.

00:50:01.170 --> 00:50:04.200
HAVE A NICE TRIP

00:50:05.760 --> 00:50:11.400
I got to fix my wish until the version
in which the one leaving was only me.

00:50:13.800 --> 00:50:17.230
Gabrielita, why the sad face?

00:50:17.240 --> 00:50:22.900
Because I have to let go
a pretty white grasshopper.

00:50:22.920 --> 00:50:25.100
Why do you have to let it go?

00:50:25.120 --> 00:50:28.740
Because, if not, it\'ll be
away from its family. Look.

00:50:33.040 --> 00:50:35.980
Wait, I\'m coming down.

00:50:36.760 --> 00:50:38.200
Be careful, my girl.

00:50:38.200 --> 00:50:39.550
Look.

00:50:41.520 --> 00:50:44.060
Can you see it?
-No, I can\'t see it.

00:50:45.240 --> 00:50:48.530
Wait, it\'s trying to come out now.

00:50:50.360 --> 00:50:52.520
Leave it here.
- Can you see it?

00:50:52.840 --> 00:50:56.120
I don\'t know if I\'ll be able to see it
with the camera, when zooming in.

00:50:56.120 --> 00:50:57.120
Can you see it?

00:50:58.600 --> 00:51:00.370
Let\'s see.
-No.

00:51:01.720 --> 00:51:06.060
How can you not see it?
There, inside. Can you see it?

00:51:09.880 --> 00:51:12.570
At night, you called me for dinner

00:51:13.240 --> 00:51:15.390
as if nothing had happened.

00:51:17.680 --> 00:51:23.680
And my imagination, all regretful,
took a bus back to Chol Chol.

00:51:39.320 --> 00:51:41.000
\"Hostias!\"
[Spanish exclamation]

00:51:50.600 --> 00:51:52.840
Over there. Go running.

00:51:53.640 --> 00:51:55.710
Good! Look how pretty!

00:51:56.240 --> 00:51:57.550
How it flew!

00:52:16.680 --> 00:52:20.840
I\'d blinded myself so much,
searching in your roots and your past

00:52:20.840 --> 00:52:23.840
that I hadn\'t realized that, in the present

00:52:25.560 --> 00:52:27.750
in the middle of the dining room

00:52:28.080 --> 00:52:29.840
there was hanging...

00:52:31.330 --> 00:52:32.810
this picture.

00:52:37.320 --> 00:52:44.060
I\'d never known about your family,
but they\'d always viewed you by our side.

00:52:45.510 --> 00:52:47.280
And seen it like that,

00:52:47.280 --> 00:52:52.110
it wasn\'t that strange that you
had come back to Chol Chol with us.

00:53:21.440 --> 00:53:24.490
Look, Zoila with me and my sister

00:53:24.920 --> 00:53:26.760
in 1997.

00:53:29.520 --> 00:53:31.820
When you were little girls.

00:53:34.120 --> 00:53:36.320
Would Zoila spank you?

00:53:37.200 --> 00:53:39.110
No, I don\'t think so.
-Wouldn\'t she?

00:53:39.120 --> 00:53:40.830
I don\'t recall.

00:53:40.840 --> 00:53:44.690
She\'d spank you with a handkerchief, though.
-I don\'t know.

00:53:50.400 --> 00:53:54.660
I made this drawing when I was four.

00:53:58.840 --> 00:54:01.380
Can you read the names above?

00:54:01.400 --> 00:54:05.840
My mom, my dad, Zoila, me and my sister.

00:54:08.560 --> 00:54:09.870
I see.

00:54:11.320 --> 00:54:14.400
At this moment they are both alive, right?

00:54:14.400 --> 00:54:16.400
I mean your mom and dad.
- Yes.

00:54:18.760 --> 00:54:24.810
Do you realize that, to me, Zoila
was part of my family when I was a little girl?

00:54:24.840 --> 00:54:28.380
There she is, in the middle.
In the middle of everything.

00:54:31.800 --> 00:54:37.250
Zoila\'s trip to Spain
was, like, because of you.

00:54:39.560 --> 00:54:41.320
Because...

00:54:43.840 --> 00:54:46.470
you didn\'t want to leave her.

00:54:49.050 --> 00:54:53.680
Because you appreciated her, you loved her

00:54:53.680 --> 00:54:56.060
and still love her.

00:54:56.080 --> 00:54:58.590
Now you\'re best friends...

00:55:01.170 --> 00:55:06.550
I imagine that you\'re closer to each other.

00:55:07.880 --> 00:55:09.720
That\'s what I think.

00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:12.770
That\'s good,

00:55:13.200 --> 00:55:15.480
because she\'s like...

00:55:19.000 --> 00:55:20.840
How can I say...

00:55:22.440 --> 00:55:24.020
Alone there.

00:55:26.640 --> 00:55:31.030
To adopt another family is not
the same as having one of your own.

00:55:32.440 --> 00:55:36.060
Why?
- Always, the adopted child

00:55:36.080 --> 00:55:42.220
when their minds open,
are like: \"this isn\'t my actual relative\".

00:55:43.210 --> 00:55:47.340
Even if they\'re protected.
Even if they\'re given everything they want.

00:55:47.360 --> 00:55:52.860
But they\'re never satisfied,
because they\'re not that person\'s offspring.

00:55:52.880 --> 00:55:56.060
They\'re not their bloodline.

00:55:58.080 --> 00:56:03.180
Would I love you as a mother if you adopted me?

00:56:04.520 --> 00:56:10.200
Maybe I could say \"I love you\"

00:56:11.200 --> 00:56:14.230
but I wouldn\'t actually feel it at heart.

00:56:18.360 --> 00:56:22.250
Even though there\'s no bloodline, there\'s love.

00:56:22.280 --> 00:56:24.490
Love\'s what counts.

00:56:24.520 --> 00:56:31.670
She did it with affection, with love,
and then she gained confidence from you.

00:56:32.440 --> 00:56:35.190
That\'s what happened between you.

00:56:35.200 --> 00:56:43.500
That\'s why she says: \"My girls are coming,
my two girls are coming\", because she loves you.

00:56:44.760 --> 00:56:49.490
Because she raised you

00:56:49.520 --> 00:56:53.350
like her babies, like her daughters.

00:56:54.320 --> 00:56:56.870
She feels love for you, I think.

00:56:57.600 --> 00:56:59.340
That\'s what happens

00:56:59.880 --> 00:57:04.800
with all the young girls who work with kids.

00:57:06.440 --> 00:57:08.280
They grow fond, they...

00:57:09.440 --> 00:57:11.550
They grow fond of them.

00:57:11.920 --> 00:57:14.080
We grow fond of dogs.

00:57:14.080 --> 00:57:18.060
You grew fond of Zoila,
because she raised you.

00:57:18.080 --> 00:57:21.810
She won\'t forget you.
You\'ll never forget, I think.

00:57:22.600 --> 00:57:25.590
Now you\'re like sisters

00:57:25.600 --> 00:57:31.320
because you\'ve already
turned into a grown woman.

00:57:35.000 --> 00:57:37.340
You\'re grown ups.

00:57:37.840 --> 00:57:41.640
Montse is also grown.

00:57:42.640 --> 00:57:46.230
Of course you can hesitate...

00:57:46.240 --> 00:57:49.520
But the heart never forgets. It doesn\'t forget.

00:57:51.040 --> 00:57:56.910
Did Zoila change in any aspect?
Was she the same as when she left?

00:57:56.920 --> 00:58:02.880
She changed a little, but she
almost doesn\'t share in conversation

00:58:02.880 --> 00:58:05.080
but she has always been like that.

00:58:06.040 --> 00:58:10.880
When she was here, I don\'t know,
maybe she used to speak more

00:58:10.880 --> 00:58:14.060
but I don\'t remember her very well.

00:58:17.040 --> 00:58:20.890
We never had
conversations when they were little...

00:58:20.890 --> 00:58:24.350
I didn\'t have
conversations with them, because I...

00:58:26.520 --> 00:58:30.880
I wouldn\'t spend time with them that much.

00:58:31.680 --> 00:58:36.160
You didn\'t speak?
- I wouldn\'t say to them: we have to talk, either.

00:58:36.600 --> 00:58:43.940
My husband\'s very reserved. So he never
talked to his kids when they were little.

00:58:43.960 --> 00:58:49.670
Some parents give their kids advice:
\"You have to do this, you have to be careful\"

00:58:50.240 --> 00:58:54.080
\"don\'t talk with strangers...\"

00:58:54.600 --> 00:58:57.400
We never taught them that, I think.

00:58:57.400 --> 00:58:59.120
We were very reserved.

00:58:59.880 --> 00:59:04.960
Wait, I\'m going to get the dogs out.
-Get out of here!

00:59:04.960 --> 00:59:06.820
They love me so much.

00:59:09.400 --> 00:59:11.270
Get them out of here!

00:59:16.000 --> 00:59:21.940
I feel like the lack of words
taught you to express yourself with actions.

00:59:24.050 --> 00:59:26.590
Love, with food.

00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:30.600
Concern, with calls.

00:59:32.360 --> 00:59:34.760
Fear, with anger.

00:59:36.320 --> 00:59:39.230
The anger, by disappearing.

00:59:43.620 --> 00:59:47.460
And I also think that the lack of words

00:59:47.480 --> 00:59:50.720
encouraged you to leave Chol Chol.

01:00:09.880 --> 01:00:13.960
Your dad never understood
that you never wanted to study sewing

01:00:13.960 --> 01:00:18.390
that you wanted to dedicate yourself
to take care of kids in a kindergarten.

01:00:24.720 --> 01:00:29.550
And surely, that summer that you left
to see your sister to the capital city

01:00:29.560 --> 01:00:35.750
you didn\'t tell your father that you
were never going back to finish those studies.

01:00:43.390 --> 01:00:46.790
And, simply, time passed by.

01:00:55.920 --> 01:00:59.090
Also because of that lack of words

01:00:59.120 --> 01:01:01.500
I found myself in Chol Chol

01:01:01.520 --> 01:01:03.270
with your family

01:01:03.280 --> 01:01:05.020
and a camera.

01:01:54.040 --> 01:01:56.620
Malucha says \"bye!\"

01:01:57.290 --> 01:01:58.640
Good bye, Pilila!

01:01:58.640 --> 01:02:01.120
\"Bye!\", she says. \"Bye bye!\"

01:02:27.700 --> 01:02:29.660
[Spanish song: \"Antes muerta que sencilla\"]

01:02:40.020 --> 01:02:42.940
[Chilean song: \"Tren al sur\"]

01:03:20.060 --> 01:03:22.800
I\'m in Chile, alone again.

01:03:24.680 --> 01:03:27.340
I\'ve had a lot of time to think.

01:03:30.290 --> 01:03:34.810
To put into images
all that you mean to me.

01:03:45.460 --> 01:03:48.650
I\'ve started remembering
those summer evenings

01:03:48.660 --> 01:03:52.150
in which we would go
take a walk by the countryside.

01:04:00.420 --> 01:04:03.090
I don\'t know if you remember one day

01:04:03.120 --> 01:04:06.510
when we walked up the
Montgròs mountain with Montse.

01:04:08.880 --> 01:04:15.240
That, when going down, I started
feeling a strange pain under my belly.

01:04:20.360 --> 01:04:21.930
I didn\'t say anything.

01:04:22.640 --> 01:04:24.170
I remained quiet

01:04:25.200 --> 01:04:29.160
because I think I knew what it was.

01:04:33.600 --> 01:04:37.980
When we got home,
my panties were stained

01:04:38.760 --> 01:04:40.530
and I hid them.

01:04:43.440 --> 01:04:45.100
You found them

01:04:46.480 --> 01:04:48.990
and I don\'t remember a word

01:04:50.460 --> 01:04:56.900
but it\'s clear to me
that you came and hugged me.

01:05:00.400 --> 01:05:01.730
Zoila

01:05:02.840 --> 01:05:08.240
now I understand your silence
when I\'d introduce you as my nanny.

01:05:12.440 --> 01:05:16.060
If I could go back to when I was seven

01:05:16.760 --> 01:05:19.630
I\'d tell my classmates

01:05:20.320 --> 01:05:22.890
that you are also my mom.

01:05:26.800 --> 01:05:28.380
Hello!

01:05:29.520 --> 01:05:31.290
Hi, Isi!

01:05:31.960 --> 01:05:33.470
Come!

01:05:38.880 --> 01:05:40.180
Mommy!

01:05:40.640 --> 01:05:43.560
Hi! How are you?

01:05:44.320 --> 01:05:47.980
I\'m good, it\'s hot here.
- It\'s been a long time...

01:05:47.980 --> 01:05:49.280
My love...

01:05:49.280 --> 01:05:51.810
Do you have to go to work?

01:05:51.840 --> 01:05:55.850
No, at all, I\'m on vacation now.

01:06:03.760 --> 01:06:05.850
Look, the wind stopped.

01:06:07.680 --> 01:06:10.450
And now it comes back.
- And now it comes back.

01:06:10.480 --> 01:06:12.070
Niki, come.

01:06:15.360 --> 01:06:17.510
What\'s this cute doggie doing?

01:06:18.400 --> 01:06:20.420
Do you want some tea?

01:06:23.960 --> 01:06:29.840
When my mom was young, she\'d feel left out

01:06:30.450 --> 01:06:34.750
because my grandma would act as my mother.

01:06:35.880 --> 01:06:39.310
So there was my mom,
my grandma and my other grandma.

01:06:39.920 --> 01:06:42.770
Then, there was my aunt, Anita.

01:06:44.400 --> 01:06:48.060
She\'d even wash my underwear.
-Right.

01:06:51.480 --> 01:06:53.320
Shall we sing?
-Yes.

01:06:54.000 --> 01:06:55.530
What shall we sing?

01:06:59.400 --> 01:07:00.790
Horse.

01:07:01.120 --> 01:07:06.930
Little white horse, take me out of here.

01:07:06.960 --> 01:07:12.650
Take me to my town where I was born.

01:07:12.680 --> 01:07:17.520
I have, I have, I have...
you have... nothing.

01:07:17.520 --> 01:07:21.640
Oh, how sweet!
-I have, I have...

01:07:29.350 --> 01:07:32.650
Mom was never good at hairstyling.

01:07:33.360 --> 01:07:37.440
So I remember that she\'d always dry our hair

01:07:37.440 --> 01:07:41.440
and you\'d come later
to make us buns and braid our hair

01:07:43.480 --> 01:07:46.640
and dad would take them apart when playing.

01:07:57.280 --> 01:08:01.460
Every wish we\'d make
for Christmas would be fulfilled.

01:08:05.480 --> 01:08:09.980
Mom and dad always wanted us
to have the perfect childhood

01:08:10.760 --> 01:08:14.540
because both of them
had a hard time during theirs.

01:08:16.840 --> 01:08:20.760
The first Christmas in Barcelona
I asked for you to get here

01:08:21.800 --> 01:08:24.020
and that happened too.

01:08:31.000 --> 01:08:37.070
It\'s easy when you have everything,
you don\'t question yourself anything.

01:08:38.560 --> 01:08:43.700
And all the doubts
and questions about my raising

01:08:44.760 --> 01:08:49.310
only started to come up
when mom and dad got separated.

01:08:53.920 --> 01:08:59.430
And that\'s why I came back
to Chile and looked for these tapes.

01:09:19.400 --> 01:09:22.800
If things had been different

01:09:23.600 --> 01:09:27.130
I wonder if I would\'ve
realized about your absence

01:09:27.480 --> 01:09:29.310
in these tapes.

01:09:33.480 --> 01:09:38.230
Or if, on the contrary,
I would\'ve looked the other way

01:09:39.320 --> 01:09:44.860
sticked to a unique idea of a family.

01:10:18.440 --> 01:10:22.770
If I would\'ve tried to eternally reproduce

01:10:24.120 --> 01:10:28.440
the way in which they
wanted to preserve our history.

01:10:31.080 --> 01:10:33.650
A world of fantasy and daydreaming


01:10:34.080 --> 01:10:36.470
where there was no place for you.

01:10:37.470 --> 01:10:39.780
Where you represented a fissure

01:10:41.030 --> 01:10:42.310
a question

01:10:44.840 --> 01:10:47.050
avoided for so many years.

01:10:50.120 --> 01:10:56.230
Hidden behind the \"Mrs. Andrea\",
that you still use to refer to mom.

01:10:57.760 --> 01:10:59.610
When truth is that

01:11:00.440 --> 01:11:02.830
you are her only best friend.

01:11:05.360 --> 01:11:08.990
The one whom she
even shares daughters with.

01:11:27.720 --> 01:11:30.910
They look good!
- Can I have one?

01:11:30.920 --> 01:11:33.320
Yes.
- I want one with sugar.

01:11:34.520 --> 01:11:35.910
Are they hot?

01:11:35.920 --> 01:11:37.250
A little bit.

01:11:38.560 --> 01:11:41.120
I started watching a chilean series.

01:11:41.120 --> 01:11:43.360
Which one?
- I don\'t remember, I\'m watching three.

01:11:43.360 --> 01:11:45.560
¡\"Chucha\"! [Chilean curse]
- \"Jolín\" [Spanish curse]

01:11:45.560 --> 01:11:50.160
- Are there any new actors?
Or just the typical ones?

01:11:50.160 --> 01:11:52.170
- I don\'t know if there are new ones

01:11:52.170 --> 01:11:54.370
since I don\'t know them...

01:11:55.040 --> 01:12:01.260
When I watch \"Rojo y Miel\", I get
really sad, because I see Felipe Camiroaga...

01:12:01.280 --> 01:12:03.360
How would he
even think in that moment

01:12:03.360 --> 01:12:06.750
being so successful
when he was in that soap opera

01:12:06.760 --> 01:12:08.990
that he was going to die, Zoila?

01:12:10.040 --> 01:12:11.190
Pear juice!

01:12:14.870 --> 01:12:17.440
Pear juice?
- And how did Zoila remember that you like it?

01:12:17.440 --> 01:12:20.040
Because I know my girls, what they drink.

01:12:20.680 --> 01:12:23.680
You see? She knows everything from memory.

01:12:31.640 --> 01:12:33.060
This was in Chile.

01:12:34.040 --> 01:12:37.730
Montse looks like... the way she\'s sitting.
- Yes.

01:12:40.160 --> 01:12:42.980
She looks like...
- Like a midget,

01:12:43.320 --> 01:12:45.240
with short little legs.

01:12:49.920 --> 01:12:53.640
That jacket was surely yours.
I\'d always inherit your clothes.

01:12:53.640 --> 01:12:56.390
What does Gabriela have on her nose?

01:12:57.560 --> 01:12:59.240
I don\'t know.
-Let\'s see.

01:13:01.760 --> 01:13:04.000
I don\'t know.
-I don\'t know, who knows...

01:13:09.480 --> 01:13:13.370
You have this all tangled up.
-Yes, it was Montse.

01:13:13.720 --> 01:13:18.000
Yeah, right. It was you,
you got it all tangled up by yourself.

01:13:18.840 --> 01:13:20.150
Montse!

01:13:27.200 --> 01:13:29.400
Are you wearing hair gel?
-Yes.

01:13:31.080 --> 01:13:32.440
Foam.

01:13:37.320 --> 01:13:39.420
It should be here.

01:13:47.240 --> 01:13:48.800
You look tanned.

01:13:54.900 --> 01:13:56.150
Yes, I always do.

01:13:56.960 --> 01:13:58.150
I envy you.

01:13:59.640 --> 01:14:00.850
All year long.

01:14:01.880 --> 01:14:04.840
How does it go, Zoila?
- There\'s a fly...

01:14:04.840 --> 01:14:07.270
that doesn\'t know how to swim.

01:14:09.640 --> 01:14:15.070
It\'s a very hairy fly,
that doesn\'t know how to swim.

01:14:15.080 --> 01:14:16.360
How does it go, Zoila?

01:14:16.360 --> 01:14:19.960
There\'s a fly that doesn\'t know how to swim.

01:14:22.400 --> 01:14:27.920
It\'s a very hairy fly,
it doesn\'t know how to swim.

01:14:30.360 --> 01:14:33.500
Zoila, now I\'m far away.

01:14:35.270 --> 01:14:39.280
It\'s the second time that we
are separated for such a long time

01:14:39.280 --> 01:14:41.830
but now we\'re in inverse places.

01:14:52.900 --> 01:14:55.750
I learned to make \"calzones rotos\".

01:14:58.860 --> 01:15:01.310
The ones you\'ve always made for me.

01:15:05.770 --> 01:15:07.600
I\'ll send you a picture.